L’umore sta circa per cambiare

I know what you are all think….what in the blue hell does that mean?

"L'umore sta circa per cambiare" is Italian for "The Mood is About to Change"…….I've used it before…hell, it was even the subtitle of this very site for a while….

Now exactly what is it…I'll tell you…

It has two meanings.

The first is very simple.  I am a huge wrestling fan, and one of my favorite wrestlers used it as his catchphrase when he started wrestling for the WWE and used it until he stopped wrestling and became color commentator for Smackdown…so that wrestler is Tazz.  Yes, Tazz. The Human Suplex Machine. The flag ship of ECW…well, other than Rob Van Dam. That used to be the reason I used it.

The second meaning of it is the new reason I am using it.  All my life I have put everyone else ahead of myself….forgetting myself in the process.  I have let the darkness & the shadows take me over and recently started to finally get rid of them. I am happy to say that the darkness is completely gone, and the shadows are almost gone…but that leads me to why I have been using the catchphrase.

Now that the darkness is gone, my eyes are completely open wide for the first time.  I have made a realization, it IS time for a change.  I have devoted my life to everyone else to the best of my abilities, and what do I have to show for it….nothing.  I have nothing but loneliness, regret, and deep hatred….the three things I need wanted to have. 

What has done it?  What has caused it?  I am sick and tired of feeling transparent.  Overlooked.  I have always tried to help others and I have always been transparent…especially back in high school.  I was never popular…even though I never wanted to be 'popular', I did at least want to be seen, noticed…at least respected…

I did get it once…it was summer school between my freshman & sophomore years…I had to retake P.E. because I was withdrawn from my first semester of it for being sick…even though I had the documentation, that asshole still WF-ed me. I didn't care, it was needed, so I did it. During that class, I tried, but I really didn't care as long as I didn't have to deal with it again(remember this was around the time I first discovered my first round of polyps). The moment I remember is very clear. Our thing for the day was a one-mile run. I already knew I couldn't do it anyway, because a guy my size can't run…to make things worse, I was very sick that day.  During this class, I did get sick several times…at least 5 that I can recall. Each lap, the teachers asked me if I wanted to stop…I said no.  About lap 4, one of the teachers said that I had nothing to prove, that I was sick and I could stop if I wanted to…I told him that I didn't want to……all I wanted to do was finish, everytime that I got sick, I shook it off, and kept going…as I finished that 8th and final lap, one of those 'popular' students led them to cheering me on…alot of people would've been embarassed, not me…that student was Jared(no last name…I know it, but I would post it…those who went to school with me know who I'm talking about). Jared came up to me afterward and asked me what that was all about, he finished early, and that one teacher said that I had permission to stop, but I refused…that took guts(yeah, I left all of my "guts" in the grass). It was also a big mistake. When I got home that afternoon, I passed out…not from me being sick or dehydration because of leaving my guts in the grass…because of the pain I was in(I was just discovering some more things at the time). I told Jared the next day what had happened, and he told me that he would be more than happy to look out for me…and he did. One of those people that I thought never would….did. I didn't have anything to prove, I just wanted to finish…for MY teacher…he noticed too.  Proving something would be for my own benefit, and I didn't want that, if that was the case, i would've stopped on lap 1.  Jared did something for me…he gave me a nickname…what so important about that? He noticed me for who I was…what I did…what I still do…and something he doesn't know is that in omage to him giving me that nickname, I used it as one of my names when I started in the independant wrestling circuit. But that really is the only one that did…well, there was an exchange student named Juan-Ramon that did. but that is another story…

Now about those feelings…hatred.  Starting to go away…but I still feel it toward all of those who just don't understand….or poke at me because they think I'm a fool for what I try to do.  Regret……there are too many things I regret…and there is nothing that I can do to change all of them.  I probably couldn't even make a hole in it……but I will fix the things I can.  Now what about loneliness? I don't really know…I know what I want to do, and if I don't, it will just expand on one of those things that I regret(even though the fear is still there…see the post in this link)…

What about the mood changing? I am sick and tired of being overlooked. I have been transparent all of my life…I'm there, but everyone seems to treat me like I am not there, like my emotions do not exist(except my close friends and all of you readers)……I am very softhearted, and I haven't been able to sleep for about the past 8-9 years without crying myself to sleep…seems to be the only thing that works….and I can say that I have cried myself to sleep almost 95% of those 8-9 years…more so lately because I have felt like that transparency has started to elevate to me being invisible.  That is the full reason that I started having those thoughts about suicide recently.  No worries though…I won't do it, and I will tell you why…

I have come to the point where my eyes have been completely opened….and I have decided to live my life the way I have….except there is one big difference…I think it is time that I start making up for lost ground.  I have the utmost respect for my friends, my family, and all of you readers….but I am not going to extend my soul out anymore unless I really think the person deserves it….or needs the guide.  If there is anyone that has a problem with who I am or what I try to do, they can kiss my ass. I am fed up with being transparent, and I will not become invisible to anyone…

I know that no one person can change the world, but I am going to make a difference in mine.

The mood IS about to change…don't worry, I will still be the same person…but if someone was to degrade what I do, or who I am…pity them………because there is a destructive force that has been unleashed…and no one should be brave enough to try and stop me…

Honor – Respect – Love……the three things that shape who I am. Those will never change for anyone, it is past time that I did something about it…

"Spiteful words can hurt your feelings, but silence can break your heart."

I think it is time I broke my silence, before it does shatter what is left, and maybe does more damage than that…

Fino alla volta prossima, i miei amici………………

Until next time, my friends………………