I am losing my faith in myself…
I have lived my life a certain way and more and more it seems that I have made a terrible mistake, or at least that is what I see…either I end up in pain or someone else does…or there is something else that it could be. I will explain…
As you all know, I have my code. I have for almost all of my life and I am only 22(23 in June). I have been through hell and back. I have been through more pain than I can even ever repeat. But that code still stands. For those who don't know…I will explain. My code: the three things that shape my life and who I am: Honor, Respect, and Love.
What is Honor? Depends on your code. To me Honor is what makes you who you are. Honor could be a part of your personality. What you do is a part of your Honor. Helping someone, solving a problem for someone, fighting for what you believe it, your faith in something or someone…things like that make up Honor, not going back on those things in what defines it. The will to do what you think is right. That is Honor.
What is Respect? I'm not talking about saying you respect someone for what they have or do. I'm talking about true respect. True respect is where you can see the differences in people and never judge them for it. That is true respect. I'll give you an example: I told you about my friend Mark. He is a famous guy and out of my RESPECT for him, I still won't say how he is. But he is. A lot of people probably tell him "Hey I respect you", the question of why..and they would probably say what you do on TV. That isn't respect for the person, that is respect for what they do. Respect for the person(in this case Mark)would be knowing what he does on TV(or maybe not depending) and knowing that it does not translate into his real life. His TV personality is not who he is at home. He is a…er…normal person(there is something about you Mark that isn't normal…lol). He leads a…er…normal life. He is married…so you can say he leads a…er…normal married life. He has a business degree. He has…er…normal pets(no offense buddy). He is real nice guy. He personifies the whole true respect thing. And he returns it to those that show it. Fair trade in my book. And I see that it pisses him off when some people take the whole fame thing too far with him…he showed it recently. It would piss me off too if people couldn't accept me for what they see, instead of what they…want…to…..know……holy shit…I think I may have done that recently too. Now I feel bad. I know. I will make it up to him. But how…hmmmm…I got it…I hope he understands…that I ramble…as most of you already know. BUt that is the best example I could think of for true respect.
What is Love? Holy hell. The worst question anyone could ask and the hardest for anyone to answer. Love I guess has two parts. The first being loved by someone…someone who isn't blood to you, like a girlfriend or something ike that…and to be capable of loving them back. And the other part would be importance…to feel important to the one you love…to feel needed. That's what I want love to mean anyway. Well and I have metioned before that you can't have it without the other two, honor & respect…because you have to honor & respect the one you love.
But I am not the best person to talk about love…I will probably never achieve it…but I at least know what I want to find…I want someone that will love me(of course), someone that I can relate to, someone that understands me, someone who understand what I have been through, someone that won't judge me because of those things, someone who is looking for the same thing as me…and I don't care what her name is, I don't care what color of hair she has, I don't care what color her eyes are, I don't care is she is short or tall, I don't care what kind of clothes she wears, I don't care what she looks like…I just want to find a girl that will at least want to be loved and not forget me in the process…been there, done that, never again…I think I have found someone like that…but then the other problems start popping up…like fear…and the number one fear I have is that I don't think I am good enough for anyone not even for myself. Who would want to love this lonely, disheveled, miserable soul? Not thinking about what I want to do for someone, just thinking about what you see. but I don't know what anyone else sees in me, I just know what I see in myself…and I see nothing but emptiness. Like I said, I think I have found someone like that, but the fear is getting to me again. And who wants someone like me. I'm waiting for that, I've been waiting for that.
That is where I am now. I have my code, and I am really starting to feel that there is no place for it anymore. Not a lot of people know what Honor…or better yet chivalry is. Not a lot of people know what respect is to show it the right way. And me…I will never be able to achieve love. I know what I said about finding someone…I don't know. Maybe I am just too ready to give up to do anything about it. I would do anything to make it happen, but I've been down the road so many times, the tires are worn out on the bus…so to speak. I want it, but I am afraid that I will be overlooked like I always am. I have felt tranparent for years…maybe I am just inching closer to feeling invisible. Just maybe…don't want to…but oh well…I really that close to giving up on my so-forgotten code…maybe I will knwo what to do soon, because I am out of ideas…
Sorry about the feel of this one. I needed to let it out. But I really don't what to do. I know what I want to do, it's just that, I don't want to feel tranparent anymore…I want someone to notice me…but I know how it will end…each day seems to be like the ones before it…and I really want to give up.
What should I do? Should I keep going or should I give up? Should I keep fighting for what I want or should I lay my sword down on the battlefield? Should I persue the person or should I just let fate decide that? Or should I give up on what I want?
I won't get it anyway…why try?
What do you all think? I want to know…and don't go easy on me…I want to break through this…but I can't do it alone…I've had to for way too long…I am extending my soul to all of you…if you have any ideas, please help me…
My soul is yours…
Monday, May 1, 2006 at 5:38 am
Woah, A lot to get out there my man. A few quick thoughts for your well expressed thoughts:
So far as your code goes, I say stick with it. Don’t be swayed so much by what you see around you but always question yourself – in a positive way. Why am I doing this? Does it help me? Does it help others? Can I do better?
So far as thinking you’ll never find love… been there done that. Know the self doubt all too well. You don’t seem to be doing anything seriously wrong in fact I think the self questioning is good. You’re not supposed to know all the answers. Be very wary of anyone who says they do.
Keep working at it man!
Monday, May 1, 2006 at 11:32 pm
I agree with Mr Angry and add CHILL! you are young! Have fun and enjoy life and your daughter! Love and responsibility will come before you know it. Focus on your daugher and a career , so that when you do find love, you are financialy ready as well as emotionally. STOP LOOKING! It will come.